TRUMP TOWER DAMASCUS: PEACE, GAINS, AND POOLSIDE CEASEFIRES

Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Gains, and Poolside Ceasefires

Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Gains, and Poolside Ceasefires

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Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Gains, and Poolside Ceasefires


By Workers Satirist | SpinTaxi Journal | Confirmed by a Camouflaged Sommelier and 4 Retired UN Observers



DAMASCUS- If peace had been a penthouse, it would include a gold-plated bidet and complimentary bunker access. That's the eyesight behind Trump Tower Damascus, the latest geopolitical advancement-slash-luxury property calamity launched by Donald J. Trump in partnership with Syria's most tasteful warlords and least-sued architects.


Certainly, The person who place casinos in bankruptcies and steaks in Sharper Picture catalogs has now set his eye on the center East. Rather than the usual Dubai skyline filler either-no, we are speaking Damascus, the city Traditionally known for historic tradition, deadly proxy wars, and now… infinity swimming pools with views of contested airspace.


"It may be remarkable. Incredible!" Trump declared by using a leaked golf cart Zoom call, streamed within the putting environmentally friendly within Mar-a-Lago's Scenario Bunker. "We have experienced lovely ceasefires in Syria. A number of the best. But now, we are building them with balconies."



Welcome to your Trumpocratic Republic of Glamour


The 88-story gold-and-sandstone monstrosity rises awkwardly from central Damascus just like a shaved alpaca inside a falafel stand-perplexed, majestic, and totally out of area. Designed by Slovenian business Ivana & Sons, the tower attributes:




  • A a few-floor Casino du Caliphate




  • The Kellyanne Conway Spa of Strategic Rejuvenation




  • A Martyr's Martini Bar ("Content Hour until the drone flies")




  • Plus a 9/11-Themed Observation Deck, which Syrian officers politely called "deeply American."




Eyewitnesses reported combined reactions. Omar al-Khateeb, an area textile merchant, sighed, "We waited 10 decades for potable h2o. But Indeed, confident, let's have A different area where American Adult men can use robes and get in touch with it diplomacy."


In the meantime, Ivanka Trump, now Head of Conflict Tourism and Beige Affairs, promised the tower "symbolizes healing." When asked how, she replied, "With velvet curtains as well as a pillow menu, needless to say."



Ceasefire by Cabana


U.S. overseas plan analysts are contacting this probably the most audacious peace endeavor since Kissinger accidentally joined a rave in Cyprus. Though former negotiations unsuccessful underneath the weight of missile salvos and conflicting Russian-backed factions, Trump's plan is easier: present Absolutely everyone a suite around the 72nd ground and comp their mojitos.


In line with documents published on https://telegra.ph/Trump-Tower-Damascus-Unveiled-05-14, the proposal features "luxury diplomacy":




  • Ceasefires brokered by towel boys




  • Poolside arbitration involving rebel leaders




  • A VIP Lounge for De-escalation, comprehensive with DJ Khaled impersonator and hummus fountain.




"This really is tender electricity," said political strategist Steve Bannibal, who appeared shirtless and oiled on Syrian Tv set, wielding a contract and also a cucumber. "Trump understands what NATO does not. Geopolitical gridlock desires fewer diplomats and a lot more minibar updates."



What the Critics Are Screaming


Worldwide watchdogs have sounded the alarm, typically into gold-plated intercoms installed in Just about every device. The UN Special Rapporteur for Conflict of Curiosity noted, "It is not that Trump should not open up a tower in a war zone. It really is that he should cease employing it to lease ballroom House to mercenaries."


Joe Biden, when requested with regard to the venture, replied, "You understand, gentleman, I the moment rode a camel in Beirut. Superior people today. Fantastic tan. Anyway, do I nonetheless have that ice cream?"


Meanwhile, The Hague has reserved a suite for "long term evidence storage" and "occasional brunch." The Pentagon has formally referred to your tower as "The Strategic Cheesecake Manufacturing facility on the Levant."



Satellite Images Reveal… Trumpface Landscaping


Surveillance imagery analyzed by Reddit uncovered that the hotel's landscaping sorts a giant Trump head noticeable from Room, a function becoming promoted as "desert-proof branding." The mustache is produced from refugee tents and the chin is… well, labeled.


Environmental groups have submitted lawsuits right after discovering the setting up's gold plating mirrored so much daylight it spontaneously blinded 3 migrating storks and established fire to a neighborhood melon cart.


"It can be not only ugly. It's a war criminal offense with curtains," claimed Amnesty Worldwide's regional director.



The Melania Wing together with other Complicated Options


Perhaps the strangest ingredient in the tower is its Melania Wing, which contains:




  • A silent atrium where by visitors may possibly ponder imprecise disappointment




  • A duplicate of her Slovenian Bed room, finish with climate Manage set to "distant"




  • A Trump Tower Damascus museum of expressions, which incorporates her "I do not treatment, do u?" jacket frozen in cryogenic display.




Nearby Syrians are Doubtful what to create of this. "Is she a ghost?" questioned twelve-12 months-outdated Ahmad, pointing to a holographic Melania reciting inspirational slogans about resilience and facials.



Advertising and marketing Approach: "When you Bomb It, They may Appear"


The advertisement campaign, not too long ago leaked through the Trump Damascus Telegram Channel, is bold. A single poster reads:


"Peace is Temporary. Luxurious is Endlessly."


One more slogan, now circulating in Beirut coffee shops:


"A Tower So Major, Even Assad Has to Notice."


General public reception is wildly divided. A modern SnapPoll conducted inside of a hookah lounge exhibits:




  • 34% say "it'd stabilize the realm"




  • 29% say "this may escalate regional kitsch"




  • eighteen% mentioned "exactly where's the closest elevator for the West Lender?"





Trader Praise: "Last but not least, a Crisis That Pays"


The task is already attracting interest from international buyers, like:




  • A Qatari plastic surgeon who moonlights like a international minister




  • The Russian Guild of Oligarchs




  • And an nameless TikTok billionaire named 'CryptoAliBaba', who stated he'll acquire a few penthouses "only to flex on Hezbollah."




In accordance with a report from https://bohiney.seesaa.net/article/515195948.html?1747206487, the tower's commercial stage will even include things like:




  • A Dollar Retail outlet of Geopolitical Alliances




  • A Theme Park Called 'SanctionsLand'




  • And an Escape Area According to the Iraq War





Remark Portion Chaos


On the https://note.com/bohineynews/n/n7e4b8d70b1f7?sub_rt=share_pb article about the revealing, consumer @FreedomFalafel420 wrote:


"Won't be able to wait around to discover a marriage in the middle of a ceasefire. Hope they throw grenades in place of rice."


Person @SyrianSnarkLord commented:


"Lastly, a lodge where by my PTSD may have flip-down services."


One more put up from @KuwaitiKardashian simply requested:


"Do they validate parking for drone pilots?"



Diplomatic Domino Result


U.S. officers stress the tower could spark a "Diplomatic Real Estate Arms Race." Reviews suggest:




  • China may well open up the "Belt & Ballroom Initiative" in Baghdad




  • Putin's daughter is arranging a "Dacha of Detente" in Donetsk




  • And Elon Musk has allegedly available to create a Tesla showroom about the Golan Heights run by Uncooked ambition and goat milk.




Even the Vatican has gotten concerned. According to https://ameblo.jp/asiansatiredaily/entry-12902822168.html, Pope Leo XIV has supplied to bless the plumbing… but provided that he can rename the best ground "The Holy See-Stage Suite."



Closing Views with the Trump Basis for Peace & Pancakes™


Inside of a closing ceremony that involved a few camels, a flamethrower, plus a hologram of Reagan offering a thumbs up, Trump's voice echoed about the speakers:


"Damascus wanted hope. It needed gold. It needed a waterslide formed such as Structure. I gave all of it three. You might be welcome."

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